There is a woman out there who hates me.

I don't know why. I'm perfectly lovable and terribly endearing, but something about me just makes her stew.

I came to know her through a mutual acquaintance several years ago. Perhaps it's a bit misleading to present her like this, since she technically surpassed the realm of just being an "acquaintance" about 2 1/2 years ago, but this is how I have her labeled in my mind. I simply cannot bring her any closer to me than that without some serious personal risk.

I met her on a good day, and I didn't think much about her. She must have been in a normal mood because she certainly didn't make any impressions that stick out as particularly good or bad. She just was.

Years past, and I found that I gradually changed her label from "Normal" in my subconscious file cabinet to "Nutso."

She disliked me, obviously. But, like I said, for no good reason. I tried my darndest to make buddies with her, but her moods were so ever changing and menopausal that my attempts were futile.

One of the first times I noticed her refusal to accept me as a now-constant in her life and therefore at least a friend by obligation was last Thanksgiving.

I was very nervous about my part in her Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't know how to make homemade rolls, yet I was assigned to that task. I slaved over the yeast, and fretted nervously that they wouldn't rise. I double-checked with her quite frequently to make sure we wouldn't be starting dinner until 2 o'clock. My rolls would not be ready before then, and I wanted them to be perfect.

When we arrived with my risen rolls that were ready to bake, she announced that dinner would begin right away. No, we could not wait until 2:00. Her food was ready now. Never mind that I slaved over those stupid rolls. Just stick 'em in and deal with it.

I sucked it up and ate several half-baked rolls in spite of her.

And then it was Christmas.

I was nervous about her gift as she is notoriously hard to shop for. I finally found something. A CD of a band I knew she liked. A wrapped it up nicely and crossed my fingers. She opened it without much flourish and said her thank-you's half-heartedly. (Okay, it wasn't that great of a gift, but I really tried.)

But, honestly, what I was supposed to do when I received her gift?

Other people in the room received large items: power tools, mp3 players, books.
I unwrapped a very small container that resembled something purchased at a jewelry counter(!) Instead, I found that I was the proud new owner of my husband's baby teeth. Saved all these years, in order that I might enjoy them.

And before you blame her crappiness on holiday stress, hear me out:

She called Josh some time last February and asked where she could return the CD to because she "didn't really want that one." (She did the same thing a year before with a pair of yoga pants, but I foolishly thought it was isolated incident).

I guess I have to acknowledge at this point that she is a member of the family otherwise the rest of the story wouldn't make sense.

This February an entirely paid-for-by-grandpa family reunion is taking place in Hawaii. Dates have been confirmed, tickets have (nearly) been bought, and the happy travelers were practically packing their bags.

And yet, Josh and I didn't know about it.

Very simply put: We weren't invited.

Yes, we are accredited members of the family. We've been around for a while. We participate in all other family events, but apparently, we didn't make the cut on this one.

An embarrassed innocent bystander stuck their rather large foot in their mouth when they said to me, "So, I don't know about you, but I am ready for Hawaii."

What? Hawaii? Who's going to Hawaii?!?

Well, apparently, everyone but us.

If I couldn't tell already from the blatant disregard for my feelings (the rolls) or the obvious annoyance and indifference at gift giving time (CD, yoga pants), she made pretty well clear her feelings with this one.

Hannah = Enemy

My Friend the Insurance Company

Polite Insurance Client (played by myself): So, I'm interested in finding out if my policy covers certain vaccinations.

Bored Insurance Angent: What vaccinations would you be referring to, ma'm?

Curious Client: Well, my husband and I are traveling to India over Christmas break, and we need to get Hepatitis A and B, Polio and Tetanus before we go. I was just wondering if you cover those.

Bored Agent: No ma'm, we will only cover routine childhood vaccinations and vaccinations for any illnesses you contract while overseas.

Incredulous, but amused, Client: So if I come back from India with Polio then you'll pay for my shot?

Bored Agent: Yes.

Gee, thanks.